Become An Ordained Minister Today!

I, Wolfgang Spitzer, have just been ordained a minister through the Universal Life Church. My new status as a reverend is something I plan to take very seriously. This means that I will now be available to perform such sacred rites as marriage, baptisms, and funeral services. Hell, I will even do exorcisms if the price is right. I encourage all readers of this post to follow suit by becoming an ordained minister today. You are literally just one click away from being granted the same official status as those who have spent countless years studying useless religious dogma. And why shouldn’t you be a reverend? Give me one good reason.

Here is a quote from my new church’s website:

"The Universal Life Church believes that all faiths are best served by the freedom and choice to become ordained online. This includes the freedom to perform weddings, baptisms or funerals for friends and family, regardless of your spiritual or religious denomination. We believe that you have the right to worship your God without intolerance or antiquated religious dogma."

I will just go ahead and assume that the church’s stated belief in the individual’s “right to worship" any personal understanding of god must also include the right not to worship a god, which means that atheists should be worthy of reverend status as well. Does the idea of an atheist reverend seem like too much of an oxymoron for you? I can already foresee the skepticism of my hardcore atheist brethren out there. They may something like: “But Wolfgang, I am wary of aligning myself with any institution that calls itself a church or a religion.” Well, get the fuck over it. Just think of how fun it could be to remove your “official” ministerial business card from your wallet the next time you find yourself in a heated religious debate with a firm believer.

Seriously though, if enough people choose to become ordained this way, and at least pretend to take their new role seriously, the title of reverend may eventually become completely meaningless. And that is one goal I am happy to work towards.


Signed,

Rev. Wolfgang Spitzer